Ann Visser on figuring out how to build stronger relationships and communication tools as parents
Who is Ann Visser?
I was lucky enough to get a crash course in navigating relationships and communication when I sat down with Ann Visser.. I’m so happy this was recorded:
1) because I need to relisten…there was so much there
2) because Ann’s expertise needs to be shared with the world
Ann lives on the east coast of Canada on a farm, she has been married to her husband, who is a farmer, for 42 years and they had 5 children in 6 years.
For over 20 years, Ann Visser has been equipping individuals and organizations to communicate in a way that aligns with their values so they can lead their families and their teams into a better life.
She’s a certified John Maxwell Team coach, speaker and trainer at her company 4Better 4Ever. Ann has spoken to diverse audiences including marginalized women, married couples, businesswomen, business leaders, students, churches, Staff and addicts in recovery, and students of all kinds.
It was truly a pleasure and my honour to get to speak with her about relationships and communication specifically for parents. She has lived experience and she leans heavily on research (which I love).
I suggest that you maybe subtly play this episode (or read this post aloud) while your partner or someone you want to communicate better with is around, because you’re both going to want to hear this.
What are pivotal conversations?
Pivotal conversations, if boiled down, contain a whole heck of a lot of “healthy conflict”. They are the conversations we have everyday, that aren’t always easy, but are necessary.
Ann shares that conflict is the doorway to intimacy. When we avoid conflict, we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to get to know the other person in the partnership, for them to really know us…and bonus: for us to better know ourselves.
Ann outlines the 4 tiers of conversation (hint: #4 is the goal!):
1. Cliches and facts: when we speak about the weather or point out the obvious. It’s not personal.
2. Opinions: when we share our opinions we’re getting a bit more intimate, because another person might not agree with your position.
3. Feelings: when you start to share about what’s happening inside of you and how you’re truly reacting or feeling.
4. Needs: the “so what” to conversation; it’s great to share your feelings, but people aren’t mind readers and don’t always know what would help to make the situation better (Ann shares some ADORABLE examples of just needing a hug one day, or when her husband asked her for a cherry pie).
…they sound hard, why do we need them?
Want the healthiest relationships possible? Want to live that authentic life of being who you truly are? That’s why they’re important.
Ann says that this level of conversation creates a change or shift in relationships…for the better.
Top tips from this episode with Ann:
1. Practice the presence of your partner (from Dr. John Van Epp):
Bring up happy memories from the past, relive those inside jokes and remember the fun and good with your partner.
2. Take caution when leaning towards “keeping the peace”.
We can’t actually have peace when we avoid pivotal conversations because resentment grows, we don’t have our needs met and we push people away (or don’t let them get to know us in the first place). My takeaway here was it is actually more kind to have the hard conversation, and a greater practice of self-care when you face those conversations head on. Short-term pain, for long-term gain.
3. Steal moments away to connect (from Dr. John Gottman).
Dr. John Gottman takes a research-based approach to relationships, and Ann shared how he found that the healthiest relationships took 5 magic hours per week to connect. Examples include:
Greetings (2 mins)
Partings (2 mins)
Appreciation (5 mins)
A date to play (2 hours)
4. Ann’s adorable nightly ritual with her husband to connect even at the busiest of times:
What was the high part of your day?
What was the low part of your day?
What do you appreciate about me today?
5. Expose your kids to the right amount of conflict
Kids should be exposed to healthy conflict in a way that is age appropriate and based on their level of comprehension and emotional understanding. Kids should see and feel a bit of conflict in parents, and also be shown and told that it’s okay to disagree. And then always reinforcing that even when you and your partner disagree, you still love each other.
6. You don’t have to be your partner’s everything…it takes a village.
You don’t have to, and shouldn’t be, each other’s “everything”. When you don’t have the capacity to carry something for them, tell them that. Perhaps say, “I’m not able to carry that pain for you at this point in time. Can WE get some help with this?”
7. One of the best questions that Ann shared you can ask…
“How could I do this better or support you better next time?” Mic drop.
More from Ann:
Listen to the full episode on: Apple Podcasts or Spotify!
Ann’s work is primarily with Christian women, however she has many resources that are beneficial to all people and partnerships, so I encourage you to check her out!
Email: ann@4better4ever.com
Connect with Ann on Facebook or her website
Access Ann’s freebie: 7-Day Challenge: Prepare For Your Next Pivotal Conversation
Join Ann’s Membership waitlist with other like-minded women who want to grow in their faith and communication
