Leslie Josel on figuring out how to raise problem solvers versus direction takers
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Leslie Josel is an ADHD-academic and parenting coach and an award-winning entrepreneur who founded Order Out of Chaos – a virtual company whose mission is to help parents guide their students to success in learning and in life.
Leslie’s authority in this space has given her a tonne of transferable skills in parenting any child, of any personality, at any phase of life, from toddler through to adulthood. As you’ll hear on this episode, she has endless tips on how to support your children in learning to be problem solvers, which not only as it turns out feels good for them..but will free up YOUR mental space so you don’t have to be the keeper of all information and decisions.
I have a feeling I’ll be doing so at frequent intervals as my daughter hits different life stages.
Leslie’s road to becoming a parenting expert and coach
It all started back to 2004 when the internet really wasn’t as much of a thing. Leslie’s son was 4 years old, and was just diagnosed with ADHD.
As the Mama Bear that she is, she wanted to know more about this diagnosis. So, without the plethora of information that we have readily accessible now, she hit the library.
As she puts it, she was trying to untangle this new world, as one does as a parent.
Through her research, she decided to make some major changes in her house, and in their family routine. I found these changes absolutely fascinating…and genius!
She took the doors off of his closets because, to him, what he couldn’t see didn’t exist.
She took his clothes out of the dresser, and put them into clear bins; again, so he could see them.
She made a tonne of other changes, and then boom…she was being sought out by referrals from family and friends to help others do the same. It’s one of those amazing accidental entrepreneur stories, that’s born from a place of necessity and passion.
What is executive functioning, and how does it relate to parenting
Leslie defines ADHD as a self regulation disorder.
A person with ADHD, she explains, might have a greater challenge with doing what needs to be done at the right time, with the right amount of focus, with the right amount of energy, and so on. She explains that this function of doing what the situation calls are called executive functions.
These functions live in your prefrontal cortex, which is the area that controls your ability to organize, plan, manage time, focus and put in effort.
The confusion between ADHD and executive functioning
If you've been diagnosed with ADHD, you automatically have executive dysfunction because ADHD is an executive functioning disorder.
However, the opposite is not true. You can be diagnosed with executive dysfunction, and not have ADHD.
Here is where my mind was truly blown: Leslie shared that your prefrontal cortex, the executive functioning part of your brain, ADHD or not, does not fully develop until you’re in your mid-20s.
What does that mean for all of us parents?
It means that your child, of any age under 30, is likely operating with some degree of executive dysfunction; meaning, they might struggle with the ability to organize, plan, manage time, focus etc.
It’s not their fault, it’s just a part of their development.
Leslie broke it down into a simple example:
“So you can have a 13 year old who is a star soccer player, but he has [an executive functioning age of] nine when it comes to time management.”
Reduce the mental load of parenting by raising problem solvers NOT direction takers
Here are my top takeaways from this meaty conversation with Leslie on how you can reduce your mental load by raising a problem solver:
Pick your battles
To truly connect with your child, Leslie shares, you need to pick your battles really, really carefully. Because you can't have too many, and you can't have them all at once.Avoid the “pile on”
If there is something that your child is really struggling with, be careful not to pile on.
“You can't be parenting your child when that child is going through something big or emotional you need to be giving them 100% empathy at the time. When things are calm or set straight. That's when the parenting moment comes in.”Create systems in your house
Help to strengthen your kids’ brains by creating systems that they can learn, understand and have autonomy over.Ask questions versus give direction
Empower the other members of your family to use their executive functioning; you don’t have to be the only one in the house getting the brain workout in.
Instead of rattling off your daughter’s to-do list for the evening and what she needs to remember, ask a simple question like, “What do you need to do to get ready for hockey tonight?” And then pause.
When they respond, your support comes in by clarifying any part of the plan for them. Or maye realizing that a checklist notecard could be helpful.
It goes from, “Here’s what you need to do.” to “How can I support you?” And automatically you transfer the responsibility to your child, and you become the support person.Don’t answer questions that aren’t asked
This was another huge lightbulb moment. Leslie cautions against “answering” statements.
The example she gave…Child walks into the kitchen and declares, “I’m hungry.”
And the parent responds, “Oh honey there are some waffles in the freezer on the left hand side, or I just bought some grapes…they’re in the fridge.”
As the parent, you just spend energy answering a question that wasn’t even asked.
Can you wait for the question or request for support? What a time and energy saver!Starting to raise problem solvers in the younger years
You can give healthy choices and parameters, and give your small human the option to play and negotiate within that space.
“Would you like grapes, or a granola bar?”
